Another depressed night

•September 17, 2009 • Leave a Comment

There is a reason the background is set in dark gray. 

I am like a weirdo that forget how to cry, but I know deep in my heart

it’s weeping, every minute. 


You got less strength today. Day by day, I watch you loss the way you used to be. 

Day by day, I can’t do nothing about it. 

I want to scream out and say the word “fuck”.

And I know you will stop me from doing it. You want me to be a polite child. 

How can such thing happened. 


The king-sized bed sheet you and Dad used to have had been washed and dried. 

You want me to put it in the plastic bag and sealed. 

and put on a tag which said: king size bed sheet. 

I didn’t notice what it mean til you told me when the bed is replaced back to the original big bed

you want me to know where the sheet will be. 

………….when the bed is replaced back to the big one…………

= when I am dead………….


How am I going to bring you to listen to Berliner Philharmoniker in their concert hall?


But you just said you want me to save money as they are so my children can go. 


I can barely imagine.


You cried again

•September 9, 2009 • Comments Off on You cried again

There had been a long time I refused to come to this blog to post things.

Things happened from day to day. Everybody is trying to help but doesn’t mean they know the way to help…. Different religion can sometimes be a troublesome stuff esp. when ppl don’t understand to accept or tolerate other’s religion. 

I love you Mom, hang on there. 

God will be with you!!!

late at night

•June 7, 2009 • Leave a Comment

Quite late now, AM 2:32….

Don’t wanna sleep, trying to think of something for you, Mom. 

Do you want to make some creation? record of piece of your voice, you music, you interpretation of life?

 Do you want to just create some art? I don’t know. 

Write some notes down and I can play if for you? 


What will I do if I am physically confined in a limited space and knowing I am going to die soon? 

That means I can’t go around the world and see the whole planet, I can’t climb up the mountains cuz I don’t have enough strength of it. 

What will I do. 

I lost my force, my muscle power to play cello, or any instrument. 

I can write, type, and speak. 

Is it? 

I might try some simple creation, writing something down musically maybe. Don’t know. 

It’s hard.


•June 7, 2009 • Leave a Comment

It is never that close. 

Most of the time we try to avoid thinking of it. 

We think life is infinite, there is no end of it. or say, it’s just too far for us to even think about how it will be like in the future. 

It’s just so hard, so far fucking beyond our imagination. 


I can still recall some small part of the memory, the day I lost my grandfather. It’s like a big gathering I remember grandmother crying out loud. I was very young at that time, I played with my cousins after that. Not knowing exactly what had happened. I missed him, still. 

But that’s it. That’s all I know about it. 

We try to avoid anything related to it. we are told that this might bring us some bad luck if seen anything or anything that is related to death. 

yes, death. It’s like in Harry Potter, the you know who…..


We close our eye pretended it’s not there. 

Pretended all people will live forever, infinite life. No end of it. Until, when? I don’t know. If you are lucky, you know when is it to come. the only advantage is that you have to think about it previously, longer than other people.

Most of the people don’t think about it cuz we all assumed it’s not yet, no going to come yet. or is it? ? ? ?

Give her a chance

•April 15, 2009 • Leave a Comment

Mom just tried to survive from this disease. 

Would you give her a chance? 


When did my life become so tough…..


Dad, keep going. All of us can survive from this.

To hear

•March 31, 2009 • Leave a Comment

I want them to hear my work. 

Hope the CD came out soon…….


I love the opening of the Dumky trio from Dvorak, 2nd movement Andante.  It’s so beautiful… so melancholy

Now at home

•March 25, 2009 • Leave a Comment

It’s 3 pm now, I stay at my house waiting for the ward round. I played my cello for one hour today. It makes me relax in some way. 

You are the one lead us into the world of music. For this, you are given the greatest honor in the world. Mom..